Because I am a psychopath, and have OCD, I am a good fellow to accompany you on a clothes shopping expedition. Keep that in mind if you’re ever in town.
Anyway, I have some top tips for you. This is JUST FOR MEN. If you are not a man, I respectfully ask that you stop reading this immediately. This is not top tips for women.
- 1. THE DARK LIGHT RULE.
If you are wearing dark trousers, wear a light shirt – and vice versa. I’ve seen a few guys who can pull off dark/dark. You are probably not one of these men.
- 2. SHAVE YOUR BALLS.
There’s no great science at work here. Cold water makes your balls tighten, so make them tight, then soap them up good. Use a blade, and do short strokes and shave those balls. I have found that if you pull on your penis so it’s towards you, this helps you get purchase and the hair comes clean off. Try not to masturbate during all this, because it does put you off the job at hand, apparently. But you may if you wish.
- 3. BUY A CARDIGAN.
Seriously, you should own one. There was time when it was a bit Hollyoaks to wear one, but they’re really good. I’m wearing one now, and I’m really happy.
- 4. BUY TSHIRTS FROM EBAY.
Ebay has loads of tshirts, and some of them are bloody originals. I can’t be arsed going round vintage shops, perhaps you are lazy like me.
- 5. SHOES ARE IMPORTANT.
Shoes are important.
- 6. FIND SOMETHING THAT IS GOOD.
If someone compliments you on an item of clothing, or you feel good in it, get more of that. Buy loads of them. I have 5 of the same shirt in different colours. Be like me. I know best.
- 7. STOP LYING.
If you lie about things, your pores become irrevocably blocked, and you will develop white heads, and then people will know that you are a liar.
- 8. HAVE FUN WITH YOUR WARDROBE, BUT WE ALL NEED GROUNDING.
Maintain a solid, boring base. It’s all very well owning bright yellow socks. But imagine if all your clothes were bright yellow. It would be utter madness. People would hate you, and you’d end up hating yourself. Be sensible. And then have fun.
- 9. DON’T TALK TO OTHER MEN ABOUT FASHION.
It will just end up like blah blah blah. If you see something you like on some other man, don’t be afraid to be gay. Say ‘hey bro, like your shirt etc. where did you get it from?’ Then leave.
- 10. DON’T HAVE RULES ABOUT WHERE YOU SHOP.
It’s natural to be prejudiced, and have all manner of opinions. That’s great yeah, but the unlikeliest of shops may be secretly housing the perfect garment for you. I was going to say this does not apply to topman, avoid topman. You know – just to be funny. But it applies even to topman. Plus, I did a thing for topman once, and they gave me a voucher. So I’d like to keep them on side. Actually, come to think of it, I think I just spent the money on pants because I couldn’t find anything I wanted in store. And even the pants didn’t fit. They were really, really shit.
END OF ADVICE.