Guide to being beach ready


There’s no getting away from it. It’s getting hotter. But are you? Of course you are. You’re beach ready. You’ve been working very hard.

  • You are the most important person on the beach. In a way you are like a celebrity. People won’t be interested in how they look, only how you look.
  • Do not consider why you are there, or whether you actually enjoy the beach. In the summer, people visit the beach – that is simply what they do. Do not question it.
  • It’s important to fit in, and not stand out. Try not to display any unique or interesting qualities. Being buff will help you to conform to the body standards set out by magazines.
  • Be proud of your fantastic body, but try not to laugh at other people who have been doing other things instead of going to the gym. They need your guidance, and support.
  • Ensure that your picnic projects the right image. If you’re going to take a scotch egg, make sure it has a runny yolk, and make sure other people see that it is runny.
  • Now you are on the beach and you have eaten your runny scotch egg, what now? Consider pretending to read a book. Google “100 books to read before you die” and take one of these books.
  • You will find that because you are beach ready, people will try to have sex with you on the beach. All eyes will be on you. Enjoy it, you deserve it.
  • If you get bored, consider going back to the gym. You may find there are people on the beach who are not beach ready, and being around them will make you feel sick, like you’re going to throw up.
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