The internet is a bloody disgrace, but everyone is on it, so I’ve had to write a guide to being on the internet, because I care about other people. I really don’t have time for this.
- Develop an online persona. A few options are: to be dismissive, appalled, or contrary. Pick one of these and go with it. I have chosen contrary.
- Engage with your Twitter followers by posting what your friends and family have been saying on Facebook. Suggest that they are idiots. This will put you in a good light.
- When you send pictures of your genitals to people, they will look at them, and then they’ll delete them. Don’t worry, your pictures are not all over the world, stored on thousands of phones.
- Regularly post pictures of your face. If people like the picture, they like you. If they don’t – they don’t, it’s that simple. People will never tire of seeing your face. Why would they?
- Don’t worry about bandwagons. Just get on it and have a good time. Hashtag #noconsequences.
- If you are accidentally homophobic or racist or misogynistic on the internet, then you must accept that there is no such thing. It simply does not happen.
- Online bullying can be fun, but it’s also satisfying to point out that online bullying can ruin people’s lives. Try to find a healthy balance between bullying, and anti-bullying.
- The best way to persuade someone online to engage with your point of view is to shout at them. This will encourage them to listen to what you are saying, and take your words on board. Really go to town. Make them look fucking stupid.
- When something happens and you’re about to tweet about it, do a quick search for your tweet before publishing. You’ll find that hundreds of other people have come up with the same tweet. You are worthless.
- Nobody remembers anything on the internet. Your behaviour is reset at midnight. No trend, no pattern. Everything you do is a single occurrence.