Guide to successful living


It was much easier to stand out in 2001. Now, it’s virtually impossible. All of your belongings are readily available to the hoi polloi, and everyone owns the same phone. It can be hard to impress. But don’t worry, because I am here to advise you. Everything is going to be okay.

  • 1. You used to be safe with the Boden catalogue, with John Lewis, with a Range Rover or a Smeg fridge. But now people laugh at all that. Boden bellends, Smeg twats. That’s what they say. It’s important to rise above this. These are just silly names, and they cannot hurt you.
  • 2. Try to shift your focus away from new products and fashionable labels. These will soon be adopted by people who earn a lot less money than you, and this can be quite an upsetting and confusing time.
  • 3. Consider wearing clothes with the same colour scheme as the Sainsburys Taste the Difference range. People will realise your social status, but in a subtle way.
  • 4. Wooden floors, and cream walls, and chrome fittings have become commonplace. You can now employ an interior designer for less than it costs to put your dog into kennels for a fortnight. Think outside the box.
  • 5. Jamie Oliver drives a Ford Capri. Now. This is a tricky thing to pull off. You have to prove that you are driving it out of choice, and that you can afford something else, but you are being retro, and a bit post modern. This is easier if people know that you have a lot of money.
  • 6. Start a rumour that you have a lot of money. This really does free you up to do whatever you want to, style wise.
  • 7. If you are unable to convince people that you have a lot of money, or do not have the time to interview people individually, consider becoming famous. A way to do this is to achieve something, and garner critical acclaim.
  • 8. An effective way to stand out is to pour scorn on things, or other people. An easy way to start this is to use social media to share other people’s ideas, which in turn will strengthen your personal brand. Or simply be vocal about how poor something is.
  • 9. Meet up weekly with similar people. Hug each other, cry if you need to.
  • 10. Stay positive. The next fad is just around the corner, and if you play it right, it could be the making of you.


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