On the 27th of May, I was a little bored so I decided to change my twitter avi to the Heinz Baked Beans logo. Heinz was on my mind because I’d just moved to Barcelona and their logo was a gentle reminder of home. I thought that it might be quite nice for me to work for Heinz – you know, as their social media dude.

I soon realised that I could do this immediately – no need for any silly interviews or anything like that. I changed my name to Heinz and then tweeted that I was the new social media intern for Heinz. How incredibly amusing of me. Anyway, I had some fun pretending to be Heinz, for a bit, and then the official Heinz account quite reasonably asked me to stop. Well, they didn’t even do that. It was just some poor social media person searching for “Heinz” on twitter and responding the best they could – to questions, complaints, and imposters.

Now, because I am a dickhead, I thought it might be an idea to pretend that Heinz had sacked me, and start an anti-Heinz hate campaign.

I was out viewing a flat when my partner commented that Heinz might take legal action against me. They hadn’t, but I thought – that fits into the story well, people will probably believe that, people will retweet that. So I tweeted that I’d been asked to close down my twitter account with immediate effect. I said a few more silly things about Heinz, and then PR week ran this story:


Give or take, I have about 1400 followers. This is because every three months or so, I do something accidentally interesting – or funny, or someone famous retweets me, and a load of people start to follow me. This number then slowly falls until I’m accidentally funny again.

Heinz UK use twitter as they see fit. Customers complain, Heinz apologise, Heinz look into it, and that’s that. Fair enough. It’s not particularly engaging but who cares? People will always buy Heinz beans because that’s what people do. They buy Heinz beans and they retweet Betfair Poker.

If I have learnt anything from this, it’s nothing. I have learnt nothing from this.


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