The ultimate guide for barbecueing for men

Group of multi-ethnic friends having beer and enjoying their BBQ
Group of multi-ethnic friends having beer and enjoying their BBQ

Why not throw a BBQ? Everyone else is. But where the hell do you start? Here are some tips to help you through this difficult time.

  • BBQs are no longer just for the working class. Since the introduction of incredibly expensive BBQs, the activity of cooking and eating outside has opened up to everyone.
  • Bizarrely, a coarse organic sausage from River Cottage Farm is still viewed as a desirable product, despite not actually tasting very nice. A way to overcome this paradox is to offer your guests a nice standard sausage, and lie about its genesis.
  • If you are uncomfortable with lying, perhaps barbecuing is not for you.
  • Make your own burgers. This is extremely easy but people will think you are rather clever. It’s just mince and egg squished together.
  • BBQs are a useful tool to embellish your masculinity and display your prowess. Every like on Facebook will further strengthen your brand.
  • Adopt a “cook your own meat” policy and encourage other men guests to get involved with the cooking. People liked that bake off thing didn’t they? Turn it into a competition.
  • Stick to conventional, uninspiring salads like feta and walnut, or sun dried tomato and baby courgette with a honey balsamic vinaigrette. There is a time to offer tasty fun snacks, and that time has gone. Grow up.
  • If you have an unwanted guest, ask them to sit in your shed for the duration of the BBQ, and let them out when the party is over.
  • Give your BBQ a name. It’s just a BBQ, but by giving it a name, it will make it appear less tedious. Suggestions – Sausage Fest ’15, <insert your name>’s BBQ.
  • Slow cook an entire pork shoulder.
  • If not already established, develop a social hierarchy within your group. Forge bonds with other men by identifying flaws in their physical appearance.
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